This recounting of last Friday's Spring Beer Mile is in chronological order and guaranteed 69% accurate.
Hare(s): Krusty the Meat Miser, Wang Chunks
Pack: G-String, Bend Over Mommy, Corn on the Cock, You Oughta Blow, Super Teflon Dong, Sugar Plum Fairy, Just Doug, Nipples Erectus (spectator), SATRAC (spectator), Tonya Hardon (spectator)
The weather was wet and slightly cold, just like your mom. I had some doubts as to whether the 4th Cumbridge beer mile would go off until I walked into Riverside Pizza and saw 2 dedicated hashers, G-String and Bend Over Mommy. They weren't making out, primarily because BOM isn't a dude.
More hashers gathered around our table and soon we were approached by a big dude asking what sport we played and if the game was rained out? We told him about our drinking club with a running problem, but he was skeptical. A few minutes later I took out the orange cones used to "officially" mark the beer mile course. He KNEW we were on a sports team then and asked again what our deal was. I decided to be honest and enlighten this man with an explanation of the beer mile. His response was, and I quote "I may not be from the same university as you but I'm no dummy. Go fuck yourself." Being a prophet of the beer mile isn't easy.
The pack left Riverside Pizza to the calls of "bag apartment" because the bags were stashed in my kitchen on the way to Magazine Beach. The hare was away to lay a short trail to the start and stunt RA Nips led the pack in a single-verse of "Hey, My Name is Joe." Unfortunately for the dudes, the harriettes mistook the lone tit check on trail for an eyeball check, though they did scout trail.
Once at the "beach", Wang Chunks magically appeared with 2 cases of PBR and Sugar Plum Fairy magically appeared with 2 cases of his bad self. The course was laid (unlike many of the hashers) and the beer distributed. Some hashers de-clothed at that point to reduce drag. G-String tore off his usual gay running gear to reveal gayer running gear. It was a Jazz jersey, quickly renamed the jizz jersey. Then, the rules were explained, the pack was off. Krusty was the first finisher at 10:23 with You Oughta Blow coming at 12:12. There was a single boot, but it was fantastic. Bend Over Mommy refunded what appeared to be all 4 of her PBRs into the Charles immediately after finishing her last lap.
Once Just Doug finished, circle began. The down-downs went something like this...
Hares: Wang Chunks, Krusty
CH3 Virgins: Super Teflon Dong, Just Doug
FRB/FBI/Overachievers: Wang Chunks/You Oughta Blow/G-String (gay jersey)
DFLs: Just Doug, Corn on the Cock
6.9th Place: Super Teflon Dong
SMAHT Kids (went to, works at, or had sex with someone from MIT or Harvard): SATRAC, Super Teflon Dong, Wang Chunks
Now, the condom down-down was famously premiered by the man without a gag reflex, Goat Throat. It now has a permanent place in Cumbridge and is given based on stupidity. The accused were...
SATRAC - Burning down a bunch of drugs but not inhaling the fumes.
G-String - The gay jizz jersey, again.
Super Teflon Dong - Refusing G-String's offer to "yank on his penis." <-- Scribe's words!
Corn on the Cock - Falling asleep on the potty at Crossroads and waking up to a locked bar AND doing the same thing at Tonya Hardon's apartment.
The winner (and loser), by applause, was Corn on the Cock and my only regret is not having any photo evidence. Watching a hasher drink from a condom is never going to get old. Circle was then wrapped up with "Today is Monday" and the pack headed to Hi-Fi pizza and then Phoenix Landing.
Other quotes: "G-String is gay, unbelievably gay." - written by the scribe
"My ball and chain thinks I went running" - G-String
"Wait 5 minutes, then I'll be drunk enough to have sex with you." - You Oughta Blow, waiting for the beer to hit just after finishing the beer mile
"Intelligence is not an STD." - Wang Chunks reciting the Cumbridge motto
Krusty the Meat Miser