Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Salem Halloween Hash Trash

The C#mbridge H*sh Hallloween run 10/24/2009

Salem, MA

Pre-lube: Porter's Bar and Grill

Hare: Wang Chunks
Bag Car: Stretch P#ssy
RA: Krusty the Meat Miser
Surprise Scribe: The Maid of Honor

Da Pack:
Jimmy crackwhore, Dirty layte sanchez, Dude, where's my virginity, P#ssy
factory, Counterfeit dick, Peppermint p#ssy, Inconvenient poop, Fisty, Nancy
Reagan, G-string, Pbbv..., Bbag, Gay pride, Cougar consulting, Cletus the

So uh... I'm a lazy bum and I agreed to write this one about a month ago.
Since then I have slacked like crazy. I also wasn't the designated scribe
until afterwards, so no notes. We shall see what I can remember.

Now that I have whined I will commence with making up great stories about
all of you.


The Pack slowly assembled in Porters and had ourselves some early afternoon
brews. Apparenty MOH didn't get the memo that we were in the witches and
warlocks themed costumes. Everyone else showed up in there dark garb while
MOH showed up in A jester outfit and some killer running tights. Pbbzzt...
and MOH remenisced about the good old days of writing suggestive messages
all the way up Pbbbzzzt...'s leg on the graffiti h*sh. Oh the good ol days.

We had some strange conversations in the bar including one in which the
stereotypical image of lesbians was shot down as the norm. The locals
agreed. Someone may have mentioned lipstick lesbians as the cure to the
broken fantasy. H*sh managed to avoid offending any die-hard feminists in
our midst. We left the Porters and tromped on down to North Station.

Most of the pack managed to follow the instructions and make the train to
Salem. Most...

The train ride was about as subdued as could be expected from a group of
folks applying black lipstick to their male contingent and Fisty trading her
corset off to another h*sher. Fisty, it looked great on you too, don't

Arrival in Salem and we met up with a few more brave h*shers willing to
face the drizzle. Nancy pulled up in style only to realize he and MOH were
both jesters. Faux pas!

Wang let us know what we were doing and we scurried off down an abandoned
rail bed. Got lost several times before finding a marked trail that actually
led into Salem. Finally the travesty could begin in earnest.

Off to a good start we had a song check directly in front of a line for a
haunted tour bus. Salem in October is full of a lot of freaks. Our pride
continues that we can still top the bunch and really confuse, amuse, and
generally make people feel uncomfortable. We rock.

Back to trail. Which, as it turns out was getting very challenging to
follow. If I remember correctly, this was a dead trail on a fairly rainy
day. In other words.. fading fast! We hustled down the main street of
vendors in Salem, speculating that there was a trail hidden somewhere under
there feet. Whatever the case was, we did find trail at the end of it. More
mucking about the residential neighborhoods finally pointed us towards the
harbor shore.

We found one of the best BC's ever. Wang and Stretch had a small burner out
the back of a truck warming a pot of cider to which excellent things were
added. This is a very good way to make the pack happy.

The BC came to an end and Wang pointed us towards the continuation of trail.
More Running through throngs of costumed people.

And then we came to a very special place! A giant statue of Bend Over
Mommy's ancestor. I think he was standing triumphantly with virgins fawning
at his feet. Makes sense with a cool descendent like BOM.

All the vendors around town were really starting to make me hungry! Between
the hot salted nuts and spicy giant sausage I was salivating. (I believe the
stache made me write that again)

We found the On-In which was some chill divy bar/restaurant. No idea what it
was called. Bu they were very cool with us taking over their back alley to
sing songs and drink beverages.

Circle involved calling out C#mbridge virgins, hat wearers, non-costume
wearers, late-c#mmers, backsliders, and generally anyone who just deserved
to drink more.

Somewhere along the line Krusty found the mankiest rotting roller blade I
have ever seen. Which we then tried to get one of the pack to drink out of.
He refused claiming something about standards... BS.

Most importantly we gave a shout out to our favorite future H*sher: Cletus
the Fetus (currently residing like a creepy alien in Dude, Where's my
virginity's belly)

BBAG was kind enough to be a surrogate down downer for his spawn.

We finished up and went into the bar to settle into many pitchers and a
bunch of cheap, mostly edible food.

We took our dear sweet time and missed the first train. So that lead to more

Which got us into fine form. I can now continue my H*sh grooming styles
commentary with a shout out to Fisty sporting the Adult woman, full, but not
out of control styling.

Eventually we extricated ourselves and blazed a trail back to the train.
With so many pitchers in us it just didn't seem right to let the peace rest.
And so we sang. Oh did we sing. The platform of that train may never be the
same. Verse after Verse of Yogi, S&M Man, old department store, and one
particularly cruel rendition of Jesus saves once a sign-board man approached
us with his “Jesus Saves!” Signs.

Forget it dude. We are beyond saving.


-The Maid of Honor

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Hash #23: The Salem Halloween Hash

What: A CH3 Halloween Hash in Salem
Hare: Wang Chunks
When: Saturday, Oct 24th @ 1230p HST (We'll be departing the pre-lube NO LATER than 115p to catch the commuter rail)
Pre-Lube: Porter's Bar and Grill (173 Portland St, near North Station)
Hash Cash: $5 (beer only, food + commuter fare not included)
Promises: Witches, beer, cheap food, beer, spookiness, beer, old-timey baseball, beer and shenanigans

That's right, wankers and diddlers! Here's an opportunity to run amongst civilians dressed even sillier than you--and you can get there with everyone else--a few beers already in you--by commuter rail!

Salem-in-October attire is highly recommended--you don't want to be the only masshole in town looking "normal". Witches, warlocks, or whatever other random-ass ghoul-y things you can think of.

Opening circle will occur at 1:59pm at the Salem Commuter Rail stop.

Fortunately, for anyone coming from the Boston area, there's a train that departs North Station (on the Newburyport/Rockport line) at 1:30pm that will arrive at Salem at EXACTLY 1:59pm! Anyone planning to drive should be at the commuter rail station before the start of circle!

PRELUBE: For those coming from Boston, the pre-lube will be at Porter's Bar and Grill (173 Portland St, near North Station). Show up as early as noon if you like--grab some lunch with other hashers, and get the hell out of there soon enough to buy your commuter rail ticket for the 1:30pm train!

For those driving, I recommend you brown-bag it in the commuter rail parking lot.

HASH CASH: $5 for trail and religion beer, everyone is responsible for their own food, which is plentiful and cheap at the on-after. You are also responsible for your own commuter rail fare

RSVP is not required, but would be helpful for planning a thing or two. Let me know if you think you might make it out on Saturday,

Wang Chunks

Friday, September 18, 2009

Hash #22: 3rd Anal CH3 Beer Mile Hash Trash

What: The 3rd Anal CH3 Summer Beer Mile

When: Fri, Sep 19th

Hares: Krusty the Meat Miser

Krusty the Meat Miser, Just Sager, Virgin Jessica, Sugar Plum Fairy, Brigham Tongue, Necrophiliac Jack, Muddy Buddy, Bleeps Sweeps and Creeps, The Butler Hit It
Spectators: Wang Chunks, Dirty Latte Sanchez, Catheter the Great, Shawskank, Nipples Erectus, Spunk in the Trunk, Just Sarah

The pack gathered at the pre-lube, the hotel bar of the Courtyard Marriot. As each hasher entered, they had to decide if they were with the hash or the rehearsal dinner arriving at 7pm. Given the $5 Bud Lights at the bar, many hashers thought of moving in on the dinner and snagging some free wine.

While sitting at the bar, we noticed two police officers moving into the "library" of the Courtyard Marriot. Despite the obvious blue uniforms, talk of drinking in public and smoking the ganja was loudly exchanged among hashers. When the time came for the rehearsal dinner, we politely moved to the library in order to be closer to the cops. There was talk of circling then and there since we were all seated in the correct configuration. But the call of the beer mile is strong. After another drink, the pack left and crossed the street to Magazine St Beach for the main event.

Necro Jack, an experienced hasher, managed to lead 4 others to the wrong end of Mag St Beach. He tried to bargain their position and convince the pack to move to his area. It was a failed effort, though, because we had the beer. Jack retrieved the others and joined the pack at the starting line of the beer mile.

After cracking open a 30 rack of cool, refreshing Natty Light, the pack circled for introductions. At one point, all beer milers were thrusting and all spectators were bent over. Shawskank was brought into circle so Krusty could demonstrate what happens when the 2 motions combine (simulated doggystyle). The rules of the beer mile were explained along with the course, which was laid out in cones that were now invisible thanks to the dark. Beers were lined up by our diligent beer bitches Spunk and Nips, and the pack was away.

The results for this beer mile are linked on the right side of the blog. Muddy Buddy was the first away, followed closely by Just Sager. Unfortunately, Muddy Buddy got lost in the first 50 ft of trail. There was also some drama when Necro Jack unceremoniously refunded his beer. Krusty was the FRB and Virgin Jessica took the FBI. She's clearly a born racist hasher.

Now, beer mile is inherently racist. Still, Shawskank found ways to make it even more racist. Aside from recording split times for each hasher, she CALCULATED the average split time for each. That means doing math in your head. At a hash event. She paid for this crime in circle.

Speaking of circle, it was led by Krusty and went something like this.

Krusty was brought into ciricle as the hare of the event and Wang Chunks led the pack in serenading him with 'You're a Shitty Hare'.

Shawskank paid for her crime of supporting racist behavior by timing and calculating average lap times for each hasher.

Krusty drank, again, this time for being the FRB.

The FBI was Virgin Jessica but she needed to see an instructional down-down. Necro Jack wasn't actually asked to be her sponsor. Instead, he creepily appeared behing VJ when it came time to show her a down-down. He demonstrated and then the Virgin did her down-down, complete with cranial inversion.

Muddy Buddy drank for finishing in the sacred 6.9th place.

Necro Jack was called into circle again for alcohol abuse since he refunded beer on trail.

There was a small bag of ice. Yes, ice! At this point, for some reason, Buttler was made to sit on it, ass exposed, for several down-downs. Later on, Shawskank and Necro Jack would share the icy seat for having a private party.

At this time, the Virgin was officially demented in a manner suiting Cumbridge. She would only get off on a bus of lesbians if they stimulated her cl1t. When Wang asked about an embarassing sexual moment, she replied with something about the kitchen table, her roommate and being locked in. The virgin was speaking in drunk.

Muddy Buddy was pulled into circle for getting lost on trail.

All the spectators did a sweat test failure down-down and nearly finished the beer. With limited alcohol left, it was time for the patented Cumbridge down-down, the Cabomb!

The winner/loser of the condom down-down was Necro Jack for getting lost in the short distance between the hotel and the beer mile. He's had experience with the Cabomb before so this was nothing new.

The pack wrapped it up with 'Today is Monday' and headed to Riverside Pizza for cheap beer and mediocre food. The last beer mile of 2009 was a success, here's to all the wankers that answered the call!

Krusty the Meat Miser

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Hash #22: CH3 Summer Beer Mile

Get ready for the best mileage to beer check ratio you're likely to get this year, the Cumbridge H3 3rd anal Summer Beer Mile. For the ill-informed hashers, a beer mile consists of chugging a beer, running a 1/4 mile lap and repeating 3 more times. If you happen to refund your beer (alcohol abuse!) during the event, you run an extra lap. Come out and hash for time or just for spectacle!

What: CH3 Summer Beer Mile
When: Fri, Sep 17th @ 630p HST
Pre-Lube: The Courtyard Marriot Hotel Bar (777 Memorial Dr, Cumbridge, MA) --> (
Where: Magazine St Beach
Hash Cash: $5 (beer only)
Why: Why the f*ck not? Come see idiots hash! Be an idiot that hashes!


Krusty the Meat Miser