Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Hash Trash: The Big Lebowski Hash

The Cumbridge Hash House Harriers hosted the kickoff for the Boston H3 Marathon WEEKend. Our mega-scribe DEEP Black Hole wrote up this trash of the event...

Date: Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Hares: Shorn Scr*tum & Nice T*ts
Bag Car: Wang Chunks
Pre-Lube: Newtowne Grille
Beer Check #1: Parking Lot close to Davis Square, right off the bike path
Beer Check #2: By a sewer/makeout spot near Alewife Parking Garage
On-In: Clearing in Alewife Park Area
On-After: Lanes & Games
Distance: 3.6 Miles
Weather: 50 degrees, later a bit nipplely out
Scribe: DEEP Black Hole

The Pack:

G-String, Floppy D*ck, Snatchsquash, Patriot Missles, P*ss Stop, DEEP Black Hole, Chocolate Starfish, An*l Beads, Pub*c Service Announcement, Crucifux, Just Jim, NAMBLA, Krusty the Meat Miser, Jolly Green V*gina, Sucks Hard For The Money, Just Kelly, Goes Down On Buoys, Bisexual Bondage B*tch, Peppermint P*ssy, You Oughta Blow, Stretch P*ssy, High An*s

Late Cummers:

N*pples Erectus, Headmaster


This hash was called the Big Lebowski Hash, or the T-5 and counting. Yes, some of you may have heard that your dear scribe, DEEP Black Hole, is moving to Outer Space. It's true! Well, for liberal values of Outer Space. Okay, so I'm moving to Texas (for good this time). But I am sending people into space, so let's just call it even. At any rate, my personal m*rathon goal for this week is to run every single trail and write up a hash trash for every single one. We'll see how sober these hash trashes are by the end of it. :-P

Anyway, a good sized pack gathered at Newtowne Grille in Porter for the Cumbridge H3 M*arathon week(end) kick-off. Many were wearing bathrobes and bowling shirts. NAMBLA had a carpet with him, which he dutifully carried throughout the entire run. After most hashers had HUGE beers, the pack was off.


Trail started out as a bit of a clusterf*ck, while the pack tried to figure out where trail actually went. It turned out straight, unlike G-String (see quotes section below). Trail wound past some houses, through a construction site (which was excellent), and over a somewhat hoppable fence. From there, trail eventually went past a park, where there were TWO Checkbacks. I think we ran past some projects, but I have a hard time identifying projects. From there, the pack ran through what could be best described as a tunnel with many metal butterflies decorating it inside. Some hashers were beat up by a 12-year-old boy who kept parroting "Where are you!?" by a park. Just past him was a song check by the baseball diamond of some park, where the pack sang a verse of "When the End of the Month Rolls Around", which eventually broke into Hog Calling Time.

The pack continued past another park, upon which Buoys said "I know where we are - we're near Davis." I'm glad he knew, because I had no idea. We were soon on the bike path/trail that is near Davis, but a Checkback "guided" us to a chink in the fence and a parking lot where Wang Chunk's "Extremely large and polluting truck" (to quote Krusty) was parked. The pack was served White Russians, which probably has something to do with the Big Lebowski movie, but I wouldn't know.

The pack continued on through Somerville, going through an industrial-like area, back onto the Davis Bike Trail, through to Alewife, into the T, up, down, around backwards on the stairs, into the parking garage, past those weird wooden phallic-looking benches, and by the side of the parking garage to a place that smelled like sewage. While on trail, the pack discussed if Hilliary Clinton is a Lesbian or not. Beercheck number 2 apparently interrupted two people making out behind the parking garage. The first question is, does sewage make them hot? That's interesting.

The pack delighted in some beer, as we tend to do. G-String apparently picked up a Hilliary Clinton for President sign while on trail and stuck it to his *ss. Nips showed up with her b*tch, except her b*tch is actually male (I'm talking about the dog, people). As much as the pack was enjoying the stench of the area, we continued on trail.

The third section of trail was short, going through the Alewife parkway to a Song Check by a Soccer field. Somebody said Head (Who said Head) so there was more of a chanting than anything. At this point, it was very dark but the pack ran anyway across the soccer field and into the woods, encountering pricker and another sh*t stream. Luckily, the On-In (a clearing that didn't have a sh*t stream) was close by.


Before circle, there was a ceremonial peeing on the rug that NAMBLA carried the entire trail. Even some Harriettes took place. Luckily, nobody had to kneel on the rug after that.

Krusty was RA for the evening. The hares, Shorn Scrot*m and Nice T*ts were brought into the circle and as is the tradition of the Cumbridge Hash, they were sang the song "You're a Sh*tty Hare". Circle past that is a bit hazy, mostly because I was writing in the dark half the time, and borrowing Buoy's nerd headlamp the other half.

FBI was Crucifux and FRB was An*l Beads. Because they are overacheivers, they were asked to demonstrate a sexual position, and thus showed the pack how to do doggy-style. G-String was accused of being a Racist because of his apparel choices. Jolly Green V*gina was accused of being Dead Last. He commented "G-String left something in my trunk, and it's still there." G-String also hosted a short trail last Sunday, so he did a down-down for being a wanker.

N*ipples Erectus, Snatchsquash, and Bisexual Bondage B*tch failed sweat tests. Just Jin was declared to be a virgin again for the Cumbridge Hash, and did a pseudo-virgin down-down. From here, the following accusations occured. Names...who needs names. You know who you were. And for the rest of you, you can guess!

Smaaaat Kids down-down - all MIT kids and those who have f*cked MIT kids (this was was quite enlightening, I must say)

Ladies of the 80s (all harriettes born in the 1980s) and those who coach Ladies of the 80s (Goes Down on Buoys)

Those hashers who are leaving Boston soon and had a birthday this week (DEEP Black Hole), joined by all April Birthday Hashers

Non-Lebowski's (those who didn't dress up or carry rugs per the movie), which was most of the pack.

Gyno on Trail (Buoys, because of his headlamp). But, it turns out that Buoys FAKED his down-down by not opening his can of beer. Thus, he was forced to do a shotgun down-down. Let this all be a warning to you.

Wearing a Hilliary for President Sign on his *ss - G-String

Smacking a Hilliary for President Sign affixed to someone's *ss - Wang Chunks

All Gay Hashers (G-String, NAMBLA, Jolly Green Vagina, etc.)

Chicks who have made out with chicks. This one prompted Snatchsquash and Nice T*ts to start making out - no joke.

Backsliders - Patriot Missles, Just Jim, NAMBLA, Just Kelly

All those hashers who hadn't done down-down yet.

Terrorist Beards: Floppy D*ck, Jolly Green Vagina, Headmaster, An*l Beads, Krusty.

Have gone on a Gay Date accidentally: G-String, and others

Have experimented, either sexually or in a science-way (yay Chemistry!)

Ginger Kids! (High An*s, Krusty)

Dressing up in Millitary Attire (NAMBLA)

Short People - All the short hashers, including Sucks Hard For the Money, Peppermint P*ssy, and An*l Beads

Lebowski Dress-Ups: NAMBLA, Krusty, Crucifux, Pub*c Service Announcement

At this point, it was very nipply out, so the pack ended circle with swing low, and continued on to the On-After. Yes, if you've made it this far, there's more!

On After:

The On-After was at Lanes & Games, a bowling alley not too far from Alewife. Because everybody and their mother was bowling 10-pin, the pack got their shoes and bowled Candlepin, which isn't easy when you're tipsy. Headmaster and I had an interesting exchange with a civilian bowling at the lane next to us.

Random Guy (to Headmaster): Hey, two things. Number one - Awesome beard dude. Number two, what color is my ball? (holding up his 10-pin bowling ball)
DEEP Black Hole: I think it's Orange.
Headmaster: Yeah, Orange. Or Red.
RG (nodding & talking to friends): See?
HM: But it's still Gay.
(RG's friends burst out laughing, and RG looks downtrodden because he has a Gay ball).

Anyway, a few hashers bowled a bit. As the time was nearing midnight, a group of us took off towards the T, including me, Headmaster, NAMBLA, Sucks Hard For The Money, and Just Kelly. NAMBLA had with him a porno mag that he got from a bowling alley employee. I'm not sure if he should have touched that because probably half the bowling alley wacked off on that. Anyway, he started reading it Kindergarden-teacher storybook-style to us on the T. I think the whole car got an education on that one.


It's T-4 Today Folks! That means...there's another chance to go hashing! A summary of what's going on:

T-4 (Wednesday): JPH3 Hash at 6:30 HST starting from JJ Foley's Fireside Tavern, 30 Hyde Park Ave, Jamaica Plain (Forrest Hills Orange Line)
google.com/ maps?q=30+ Hyde+Park+ Ave&sourceid= navclient-
ff&ie=UTF- 8&rlz=1B2GGGL_ enUS208NG208& um=1&sa=N&

T-3 (Thursday): Boston Moon Hash at 6:30 HST starting from the Milky Way Bar (Orange Line to Jackson Square and follow marks down Centre St.)

Hold on the Count (Friday): Pub Crawl - go to the Marathon Page for more details (http://www.bostonhash.com/marathon08/)

T-2 (Saturday): The Boston M*rathon Hash. Dress up like a Lady 'cause It's Ladies Night! Registration from 12-2, Pack away at 2:30. McFadden's (148 State Street). Take the Blue Line to State.

T-1 (Sunday): Hangover Hash, 11 am HST, FREE with M*rathon Registration (otherwise $10). 21 Beacon St, Boston MA, Room 10D.

Lift OFF! (T-0) (Monday): The actual M*rathon! Come out, hang out with the hash, and hand out beer to r*nners! See (http://www.bostonhash.com/marathon08/)

Want to print all this out on paper so that way you don't have to carry your computer around with you? Go to http://www.crazyhap penings.com/ marathon. doc.


"You can park yourself in my driveway!" - Shorn Scr*tum

"G-String F*cked a Goat!" - G-String

"Pardon me, but could you please fondle my burrito?" - G-String

"Hey, we're Queer!" - G-String

"G-String has a Tight Butt" - Wang Chunks

"I would hump him like...severely" - Bisexual Bondage B*tch, about some mystery hasher

"I wonder what would happen to my ass if I was wearing McCain" - G-String

"G-String definitely Spits" - Krusty

"G-String is giving me another Facial tonight!" - Jolly Green Vagina

"I would get off to An*l Beads & Krusty" - Mystery Male Hasher! Guess Who!

"In Montreal, you get to touch the boobies!" - NAMBLA

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