This recounting of last Friday's Winter Beer Mile is in chronological order and guaranteed 69% accurate as the scribe/RA showed up late and didn't actually run.
Hare(s): Wang Chunks, Krusty the Meat Miser
Pack: Goat Throat, 'Ed Master, Sticks it to the Bros, You Oughta Blow, Nice T!ts, Wooden Eye F*ckerinthass, Jolly Green Vagina, Crucifux, Shorn Scrotum, SATRAC, Nipplus Erectus, Bleeps, Sweeps and Creeeps (Seacoast H3), Scooby Do Me (CCH3), I Eat Cum (HVH3), Jimmy Crackwhore (HVH3), Foreskin (a bunch of hashes)
The pack gathered for a pre-mile pint at the Powderhouse Pub in Somerville. The smart ones kept their stomachs empty but the true hashers lined their stomachs with alcohol early. Wang Chunks was the first one there, turning tricks for hash cash and using it buy cases of premium beer like Milwaukee's Best and PBR. Both Jolly Green Vagina and I Eat Cum had worn skid-marked tighty-whities outside their windpants in order to combat crotch cold and to "look distinguished" on the track. Later, Crucifux professed her attraction to Nice T!ts and the two proceeded to make out. Discussions of mutual fingerblasting were then broken up by cries of "on out", as someone is very, very stupid.
(Note: These events may not have actually happened, as the scribe missed the pre-lube due to complications during a sex change operation.)
Arriving at the track, the silhouettes of overachievers could be seen doing wind sprints from the starting line of the event. Most would later vomit and all would later drink for such blatantly racist behavior. The rules of the beer mile were explained for the benefit of the virgins at the event (beer, 1/4 mile, repeat 3 more times, booting = run extra lap), the beer mile began and chugging ensued. Well, more accurately, some chugging and A LOT of sipping ensued. Goat Throat proved, once again, that his gag reflex doesn't exist. I Eat Cum, Sticks it to the Bros and 'Ed Master followed close behind. Everyone else was drinking with pinky daintily extended, like a teetotaler. Eventually more empty aluminum cans fell to the track.
After the beer had settled, Goat Throat blew the competition. Away with a time of 7:40. You Oughta Blow led the field of harriettes with a time of 11:56. To see full results head to beermile.com and type "cumbridge" into the race search engine. There was some magnificent booting/alcohol abuse by I Eat Cum and Jimmy Crackwhore.
Back at the Powderhouse Pub, circle was led by dashingly handsome RA, Krusty the Meat Miser. Being the "hare", Wang Chunks demonstrated a Cumbridge down-down after being told to "get on your knees, bitch!" Next up were the over (the 6) and under (the 9) achievers, the FRB (Goat Throat), FBI (You Oughta Blow) and DAL (Jimmy Crackwhore). There was a special down-down for 6.9th place of the 6.9th running of the Cumbridge hash (Nice T!ts). Next up were the wind sprint violators and other racists (I Eat Cum, Sticks it to the Bros, Jimmy Crackwhore, Goat Throat, You Oughta Blow for a track shirt). Then the visitors (I Eat Cum, Jimmy Crackwhore, Foreskin, Bleeps), who sang us a song about a mouse or the ballgame or maybe something about 2 tickets to paradise. The sweatless among us drank for their mooching of beer from the running, thirsty masses (Krusty, SATRAC, Nipples, Bleeps, Foreskin, Wang). The special "Smaht Kids" down-down was next, for anyone associated with MIT, Harvard or Tufts or anyone who had sex with someone from those universities (almost everyone). Intelligence is NOT an STD, by the way. Crucifux then complained via squeaking noises that Sticks it to the Bros was molesting her with his finger so he proceeded to do a Catholic priest down-down WITH HEADGEAR IN CIRCLE. Another one for Bros. Scooby Do Me's shoes were clearly 9.69% new. He couldn't decide which one to take off, so removed both and drank from both.
There were several other accusations that I failed to remember but circle was closed with a rendition of "Today is Monday." The hash was then led in a rousing version of "I Used to Work in Chicago" by Foreskin. The hash then headed (who said...?) to Redbones for a drink or two to settle their stomachs.
Krusty the Meat Miser
Cumbridge RA Emeritus