Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Salem Halloween Hash Trash

The C#mbridge H*sh Hallloween run 10/24/2009

Salem, MA

Pre-lube: Porter's Bar and Grill

Hare: Wang Chunks
Bag Car: Stretch P#ssy
RA: Krusty the Meat Miser
Surprise Scribe: The Maid of Honor

Da Pack:
Jimmy crackwhore, Dirty layte sanchez, Dude, where's my virginity, P#ssy
factory, Counterfeit dick, Peppermint p#ssy, Inconvenient poop, Fisty, Nancy
Reagan, G-string, Pbbv..., Bbag, Gay pride, Cougar consulting, Cletus the

So uh... I'm a lazy bum and I agreed to write this one about a month ago.
Since then I have slacked like crazy. I also wasn't the designated scribe
until afterwards, so no notes. We shall see what I can remember.

Now that I have whined I will commence with making up great stories about
all of you.


The Pack slowly assembled in Porters and had ourselves some early afternoon
brews. Apparenty MOH didn't get the memo that we were in the witches and
warlocks themed costumes. Everyone else showed up in there dark garb while
MOH showed up in A jester outfit and some killer running tights. Pbbzzt...
and MOH remenisced about the good old days of writing suggestive messages
all the way up Pbbbzzzt...'s leg on the graffiti h*sh. Oh the good ol days.

We had some strange conversations in the bar including one in which the
stereotypical image of lesbians was shot down as the norm. The locals
agreed. Someone may have mentioned lipstick lesbians as the cure to the
broken fantasy. H*sh managed to avoid offending any die-hard feminists in
our midst. We left the Porters and tromped on down to North Station.

Most of the pack managed to follow the instructions and make the train to
Salem. Most...

The train ride was about as subdued as could be expected from a group of
folks applying black lipstick to their male contingent and Fisty trading her
corset off to another h*sher. Fisty, it looked great on you too, don't

Arrival in Salem and we met up with a few more brave h*shers willing to
face the drizzle. Nancy pulled up in style only to realize he and MOH were
both jesters. Faux pas!

Wang let us know what we were doing and we scurried off down an abandoned
rail bed. Got lost several times before finding a marked trail that actually
led into Salem. Finally the travesty could begin in earnest.

Off to a good start we had a song check directly in front of a line for a
haunted tour bus. Salem in October is full of a lot of freaks. Our pride
continues that we can still top the bunch and really confuse, amuse, and
generally make people feel uncomfortable. We rock.

Back to trail. Which, as it turns out was getting very challenging to
follow. If I remember correctly, this was a dead trail on a fairly rainy
day. In other words.. fading fast! We hustled down the main street of
vendors in Salem, speculating that there was a trail hidden somewhere under
there feet. Whatever the case was, we did find trail at the end of it. More
mucking about the residential neighborhoods finally pointed us towards the
harbor shore.

We found one of the best BC's ever. Wang and Stretch had a small burner out
the back of a truck warming a pot of cider to which excellent things were
added. This is a very good way to make the pack happy.

The BC came to an end and Wang pointed us towards the continuation of trail.
More Running through throngs of costumed people.

And then we came to a very special place! A giant statue of Bend Over
Mommy's ancestor. I think he was standing triumphantly with virgins fawning
at his feet. Makes sense with a cool descendent like BOM.

All the vendors around town were really starting to make me hungry! Between
the hot salted nuts and spicy giant sausage I was salivating. (I believe the
stache made me write that again)

We found the On-In which was some chill divy bar/restaurant. No idea what it
was called. Bu they were very cool with us taking over their back alley to
sing songs and drink beverages.

Circle involved calling out C#mbridge virgins, hat wearers, non-costume
wearers, late-c#mmers, backsliders, and generally anyone who just deserved
to drink more.

Somewhere along the line Krusty found the mankiest rotting roller blade I
have ever seen. Which we then tried to get one of the pack to drink out of.
He refused claiming something about standards... BS.

Most importantly we gave a shout out to our favorite future H*sher: Cletus
the Fetus (currently residing like a creepy alien in Dude, Where's my
virginity's belly)

BBAG was kind enough to be a surrogate down downer for his spawn.

We finished up and went into the bar to settle into many pitchers and a
bunch of cheap, mostly edible food.

We took our dear sweet time and missed the first train. So that lead to more

Which got us into fine form. I can now continue my H*sh grooming styles
commentary with a shout out to Fisty sporting the Adult woman, full, but not
out of control styling.

Eventually we extricated ourselves and blazed a trail back to the train.
With so many pitchers in us it just didn't seem right to let the peace rest.
And so we sang. Oh did we sing. The platform of that train may never be the
same. Verse after Verse of Yogi, S&M Man, old department store, and one
particularly cruel rendition of Jesus saves once a sign-board man approached
us with his “Jesus Saves!” Signs.

Forget it dude. We are beyond saving.


-The Maid of Honor

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