What: The 3rd Anal CH3 Summer Beer Mile
When: Fri, Sep 19th
Hares: Krusty the Meat Miser
Hashers: Krusty the Meat Miser, Just Sager, Virgin Jessica, Sugar Plum Fairy, Brigham Tongue, Necrophiliac Jack, Muddy Buddy, Bleeps Sweeps and Creeps, The Butler Hit It
Spectators: Wang Chunks, Dirty Latte Sanchez, Catheter the Great, Shawskank, Nipples Erectus, Spunk in the Trunk, Just Sarah
The pack gathered at the pre-lube, the hotel bar of the Courtyard Marriot. As each hasher entered, they had to decide if they were with the hash or the rehearsal dinner arriving at 7pm. Given the $5 Bud Lights at the bar, many hashers thought of moving in on the dinner and snagging some free wine.
While sitting at the bar, we noticed two police officers moving into the "library" of the Courtyard Marriot. Despite the obvious blue uniforms, talk of drinking in public and smoking the ganja was loudly exchanged among hashers. When the time came for the rehearsal dinner, we politely moved to the library in order to be closer to the cops. There was talk of circling then and there since we were all seated in the correct configuration. But the call of the beer mile is strong. After another drink, the pack left and crossed the street to Magazine St Beach for the main event.
Necro Jack, an experienced hasher, managed to lead 4 others to the wrong end of Mag St Beach. He tried to bargain their position and convince the pack to move to his area. It was a failed effort, though, because we had the beer. Jack retrieved the others and joined the pack at the starting line of the beer mile.
After cracking open a 30 rack of cool, refreshing Natty Light, the pack circled for introductions. At one point, all beer milers were thrusting and all spectators were bent over. Shawskank was brought into circle so Krusty could demonstrate what happens when the 2 motions combine (simulated doggystyle). The rules of the beer mile were explained along with the course, which was laid out in cones that were now invisible thanks to the dark. Beers were lined up by our diligent beer bitches Spunk and Nips, and the pack was away.
The results for this beer mile are linked on the right side of the blog. Muddy Buddy was the first away, followed closely by Just Sager. Unfortunately, Muddy Buddy got lost in the first 50 ft of trail. There was also some drama when Necro Jack unceremoniously refunded his beer. Krusty was the FRB and Virgin Jessica took the FBI. She's clearly a born racist hasher.
Now, beer mile is inherently racist. Still, Shawskank found ways to make it even more racist. Aside from recording split times for each hasher, she CALCULATED the average split time for each. That means doing math in your head. At a hash event. She paid for this crime in circle.
Speaking of circle, it was led by Krusty and went something like this.
Krusty was brought into ciricle as the hare of the event and Wang Chunks led the pack in serenading him with 'You're a Shitty Hare'.
Shawskank paid for her crime of supporting racist behavior by timing and calculating average lap times for each hasher.
Krusty drank, again, this time for being the FRB.
The FBI was Virgin Jessica but she needed to see an instructional down-down. Necro Jack wasn't actually asked to be her sponsor. Instead, he creepily appeared behing VJ when it came time to show her a down-down. He demonstrated and then the Virgin did her down-down, complete with cranial inversion.
Muddy Buddy drank for finishing in the sacred 6.9th place.
Necro Jack was called into circle again for alcohol abuse since he refunded beer on trail.
There was a small bag of ice. Yes, ice! At this point, for some reason, Buttler was made to sit on it, ass exposed, for several down-downs. Later on, Shawskank and Necro Jack would share the icy seat for having a private party.
At this time, the Virgin was officially demented in a manner suiting Cumbridge. She would only get off on a bus of lesbians if they stimulated her cl1t. When Wang asked about an embarassing sexual moment, she replied with something about the kitchen table, her roommate and being locked in. The virgin was speaking in drunk.
Muddy Buddy was pulled into circle for getting lost on trail.
All the spectators did a sweat test failure down-down and nearly finished the beer. With limited alcohol left, it was time for the patented Cumbridge down-down, the Cabomb!
The winner/loser of the condom down-down was Necro Jack for getting lost in the short distance between the hotel and the beer mile. He's had experience with the Cabomb before so this was nothing new.
The pack wrapped it up with 'Today is Monday' and headed to Riverside Pizza for cheap beer and mediocre food. The last beer mile of 2009 was a success, here's to all the wankers that answered the call!
Krusty the Meat Miser