Hash #23: The Salem Halloween Hash

What: A CH3 Halloween Hash in Salem
Hare: Wang Chunks
When: Saturday, Oct 24th @ 1230p HST (We'll be departing the pre-lube NO LATER than 115p to catch the commuter rail)
Pre-Lube: Porter's Bar and Grill (173 Portland St, near North Station)
Hash Cash: $5 (beer only, food + commuter fare not included)
Promises: Witches, beer, cheap food, beer, spookiness, beer, old-timey baseball, beer and shenanigans

That's right, wankers and diddlers! Here's an opportunity to run amongst civilians dressed even sillier than you--and you can get there with everyone else--a few beers already in you--by commuter rail!

Salem-in-October attire is highly recommended--you don't want to be the only masshole in town looking "normal". Witches, warlocks, or whatever other random-ass ghoul-y things you can think of.

Opening circle will occur at 1:59pm at the Salem Commuter Rail stop.

Fortunately, for anyone coming from the Boston area, there's a train that departs North Station (on the Newburyport/Rockport line) at 1:30pm that will arrive at Salem at EXACTLY 1:59pm! Anyone planning to drive should be at the commuter rail station before the start of circle!

PRELUBE: For those coming from Boston, the pre-lube will be at Porter's Bar and Grill (173 Portland St, near North Station). Show up as early as noon if you like--grab some lunch with other hashers, and get the hell out of there soon enough to buy your commuter rail ticket for the 1:30pm train!

For those driving, I recommend you brown-bag it in the commuter rail parking lot.

HASH CASH: $5 for trail and religion beer, everyone is responsible for their own food, which is plentiful and cheap at the on-after. You are also responsible for your own commuter rail fare

RSVP is not required, but would be helpful for planning a thing or two. Let me know if you think you might make it out on Saturday, wangchunks@gmail.com.

On-hashing-way-off-the-red-line-on,
Wang Chunks

Hash #22: 3rd Anal CH3 Beer Mile Hash Trash

What: The 3rd Anal CH3 Summer Beer Mile

When: Fri, Sep 19th

Hares: Krusty the Meat Miser

Pack
Hashers: Krusty the Meat Miser, Just Sager, Virgin Jessica, Sugar Plum Fairy, Brigham Tongue, Necrophiliac Jack, Muddy Buddy, Bleeps Sweeps and Creeps, The Butler Hit It
Spectators: Wang Chunks, Dirty Latte Sanchez, Catheter the Great, Shawskank, Nipples Erectus, Spunk in the Trunk, Just Sarah

The pack gathered at the pre-lube, the hotel bar of the Courtyard Marriot. As each hasher entered, they had to decide if they were with the hash or the rehearsal dinner arriving at 7pm. Given the $5 Bud Lights at the bar, many hashers thought of moving in on the dinner and snagging some free wine.

While sitting at the bar, we noticed two police officers moving into the "library" of the Courtyard Marriot. Despite the obvious blue uniforms, talk of drinking in public and smoking the ganja was loudly exchanged among hashers. When the time came for the rehearsal dinner, we politely moved to the library in order to be closer to the cops. There was talk of circling then and there since we were all seated in the correct configuration. But the call of the beer mile is strong. After another drink, the pack left and crossed the street to Magazine St Beach for the main event.

Necro Jack, an experienced hasher, managed to lead 4 others to the wrong end of Mag St Beach. He tried to bargain their position and convince the pack to move to his area. It was a failed effort, though, because we had the beer. Jack retrieved the others and joined the pack at the starting line of the beer mile.

After cracking open a 30 rack of cool, refreshing Natty Light, the pack circled for introductions. At one point, all beer milers were thrusting and all spectators were bent over. Shawskank was brought into circle so Krusty could demonstrate what happens when the 2 motions combine (simulated doggystyle). The rules of the beer mile were explained along with the course, which was laid out in cones that were now invisible thanks to the dark. Beers were lined up by our diligent beer bitches Spunk and Nips, and the pack was away.

The results for this beer mile are linked on the right side of the blog. Muddy Buddy was the first away, followed closely by Just Sager. Unfortunately, Muddy Buddy got lost in the first 50 ft of trail. There was also some drama when Necro Jack unceremoniously refunded his beer. Krusty was the FRB and Virgin Jessica took the FBI. She's clearly a born racist hasher.

Now, beer mile is inherently racist. Still, Shawskank found ways to make it even more racist. Aside from recording split times for each hasher, she CALCULATED the average split time for each. That means doing math in your head. At a hash event. She paid for this crime in circle.

Speaking of circle, it was led by Krusty and went something like this.

Krusty was brought into ciricle as the hare of the event and Wang Chunks led the pack in serenading him with 'You're a Shitty Hare'.

Shawskank paid for her crime of supporting racist behavior by timing and calculating average lap times for each hasher.

Krusty drank, again, this time for being the FRB.

The FBI was Virgin Jessica but she needed to see an instructional down-down. Necro Jack wasn't actually asked to be her sponsor. Instead, he creepily appeared behing VJ when it came time to show her a down-down. He demonstrated and then the Virgin did her down-down, complete with cranial inversion.

Muddy Buddy drank for finishing in the sacred 6.9th place.

Necro Jack was called into circle again for alcohol abuse since he refunded beer on trail.

There was a small bag of ice. Yes, ice! At this point, for some reason, Buttler was made to sit on it, ass exposed, for several down-downs. Later on, Shawskank and Necro Jack would share the icy seat for having a private party.

At this time, the Virgin was officially demented in a manner suiting Cumbridge. She would only get off on a bus of lesbians if they stimulated her cl1t. When Wang asked about an embarassing sexual moment, she replied with something about the kitchen table, her roommate and being locked in. The virgin was speaking in drunk.

Muddy Buddy was pulled into circle for getting lost on trail.

All the spectators did a sweat test failure down-down and nearly finished the beer. With limited alcohol left, it was time for the patented Cumbridge down-down, the Cabomb!

The winner/loser of the condom down-down was Necro Jack for getting lost in the short distance between the hotel and the beer mile. He's had experience with the Cabomb before so this was nothing new.

The pack wrapped it up with 'Today is Monday' and headed to Riverside Pizza for cheap beer and mediocre food. The last beer mile of 2009 was a success, here's to all the wankers that answered the call!

On-On,
Krusty the Meat Miser

Hash #22: CH3 Summer Beer Mile

Get ready for the best mileage to beer check ratio you're likely to get this year, the Cumbridge H3 3rd anal Summer Beer Mile. For the ill-informed hashers, a beer mile consists of chugging a beer, running a 1/4 mile lap and repeating 3 more times. If you happen to refund your beer (alcohol abuse!) during the event, you run an extra lap. Come out and hash for time or just for spectacle!

What: CH3 Summer Beer Mile
When: Fri, Sep 17th @ 630p HST
Pre-Lube: The Courtyard Marriot Hotel Bar (777 Memorial Dr, Cumbridge, MA) --> (http://tinyurl.com/ra6z99)
Where: Magazine St Beach
Hash Cash: $5 (beer only)
Why: Why the f*ck not? Come see idiots hash! Be an idiot that hashes!

NO RELAY ENTRIES THIS YEAR!

On-drinkingangbooting-On,
Krusty the Meat Miser

CH3 Hash #21: The Don't Trust Me Hash

As the Cumbridge H3 nears the 2 year mark, Drippy Spigot took it upon himself to help the pack recall the basics of hashing. His don't trust me hash was no doubt a response to the trust me hash of June when 2nd Cumming and Wang Chunks loading several unsuspecting hashers into vans and transported them to Newport to harvest their organs for profit (no one wanted the hash livers). A trash will (eventually) be posted of the CH3 trust me hash in Newport but until then, enjoy this latest installment of Cumbridge shenanigans...

What: The 21st running of the CH3 - the don't trust me hash

When: Fri, July 24th

Hares: Drippy Spigot, Just Heather and Shitshow (impromptu)

Pack: Krusty the Meat Miser, Wang Chunks, SATRAC, Jolly Green Vagina, Shitshow, Fire in the Hole, Stick it to the Bros (aka Nancy Reagan), Shitshow, Wooden Eye F Her in the A, Time of the Munch, Cum Fly With Me, Mona Lay-a, PBPBVVPBpvbbpvpbvpv..., Spoonful of Semen, Floppy Dick, Just Craig, Just Adam, Just Elly, Just Lloyd

Drippy had thrown the gauntlet for this hash by telling us, outright, not to trust him. Emails hyping the run suggested that hashers should be equipped a GPS, fleshlight, map, condoms and supplemental oxygen. This was intimidating...until we realized that Drippy was haring by himself. He propositioned several hashers by asking them if they'd like to hare with him. It would take Shitshow approximately 3 beers to take Drippy up on the offer.

The pack gathered at the Summer Shack near Alewife (sans the recommended orienteering gear) for the prelube. After a few beers and the requisite 6.9 minute head start, the pack circled. There weren't any virgins for sacrifice so marks were explained in a quick and dirty fashion, fitting for the hash. Introductions were accompanied by each hasher's best Michael Jackson impression. Impressions involved, among other things, mentions of young boys, stringy hair or just simply laying on the ground.

The pack scattered, searching for marks. Many of us went in the direction of Somerville or Cambridge, figuring that any bars in Arlington would be too full of non-fun yuppies to accommodate hashers. There's no WAY trail could be leading to Arlington. Except that it was...

Being out of our natural habitat of Cumbridge, the pack was confused, frightened and way too sober (Dear Summer Shack, Your beer is way to expensive for a bar next to Alewife. F you. Sincerely, the CH3). Nothing looked familiar. Cars were moving quickly, intersections were few and far between and the People's Republic was nowhere in sight. Where would we find cheap beer in this strange land. The answer, of course, was in a patch of mosquito infested woods set just off a main road.

Drippy managed to drag a cooler of cold PBR, Keystone and refreshing fruit into the suburban woods for the pack. It was here that Shitshow had 3 beers and agreed to co-hare with Drippy who convinced her in between large gasps for breath. In addition to beer, Drippy provided some sort of tablet that, supposedly, improved the taste of fruit. Being suspicious of what might be roofies, the pack turned down his generous offer of mystery drugs.

Just Craig began talking about some sort of USB masturbation aid, only sold in Japan, that was used with a computer. Many floppy disk to hard drive jokes were made. Mona Lay-a made an interesting comment when she noticed that one of Bros' pecs was larger than the other. That led Wang to say that he had "a Nancy Reagan thing going on." Nice.

After giving the hares 6.9 minutes (maybe less because of all the mosquitos), the pack climbed up a hill and across some railroad tracks in a bit of foreshadowing. As dusk set in, trail continued to wind through Arlington and possibly into Watertown. If it's not on the red line, I have no idea where it is. Finally, the pack made its way to an intersection with a check and no marks. After a half hour of searching, JGV realized that Drippy's house was 2 short blocks away. It turns out the hare had decided to be tricky and turn without leaving a mark. Clever hares.

In addition to the usual stash of shitty beer, Drippy provided meat and a grill for the pack.

Circle went something like this...

Hares - Drippy, Shitshow and Just Heather were brought in to the circle. Comments on trail included the notable fact that most of the pack was nearly hit by a train.

FRB - JGV, the least likely FRB and Fire in the Hole, the most likely FRB both drank for their crimes.

DAL - Wooden Eye somehow was the DAL. Before her down-down, Just Lloyed offered to "help
Wooden Eye finish" by cumming right then and there. He didn't and she didn't.

Just Lloyd then drank for unhashmanlike behavior because he did not, in fact, help her finish.

Mona Lay-a and Cum Fly With Me wore the same shirts on trail but CFWM changed before circle, hoping to avoid accusation. Her plea for pity went unheard and she was told to get the fuck in circle and drink.

Wooden Eye, Shitshow and Time of the Munch drank for having a private party and then serenaded the pack with verse from the S + M man.

Shitshow did an innocence down-down for asking what 'ludes are. She never got drunk enough to do a MJ impression

Drippy was the source of the 'ludes comment and he drank for trying to roofie the entire pack at the beer check.

RENAMING! Sticks it to the Bros was renamed because of Mona Lay-a's mention of his different sized pecs. Thanks to Wang's subsequent commentary, Bros is now known in Cumbridge as Nancy Reagan.

There was then an impromptu down-down for hashers that had been naked on Drippy's street. Participants were JGV, Shitshow and Wooden Eye.

Next was the condom down-down so I said that it was time to bring out the C-bomb. Cum Fly With Me then said..."The cabomb?" The pack lost its shit laughing. We were lizzing, laughing and wizzing.

Henceforth, the condom down-down will be known as the Cabomb!

Cabomb nominations were PBVpbv... for having a long name, Just Craig for talking about fucking his computer, JGV for talking about Japanese websites that sold masturbation aids in 6 flavors and textures, and Cum Fly With Me for renaming the condom down-down (and not knowing what it was).

CFWM renamed the down-down, so she was the "winner" and downed the Cabomb with gusto! SHE EVEN SUCKED THE BEER OUT OF THE HEAD OF THE CONDOM! Hashmanlike behavior.

The last down-down was a "fight" between Mona Lay-a and Time of the Munch. She, apparently, claimed that she could kick his ass. There was only one thing to do...
They had a shotgun contest and both were pretty poor. ML took a long time and TotM took a good minute and a half to crack open his can. No real "winners" here.

Circle wrapped with Today is Monday and the hash then went to put Drippy's meat in their mouth.

On-On,
Krusty the Meat Miser