Hash Trash: Winter Beer Mile

This recounting of last Friday's Winter Beer Mile is in chronological order and guaranteed 69% accurate as the scribe/RA showed up late and didn't actually run.

Hare(s): Wang Chunks, Krusty the Meat Miser
Pack: Goat Throat, 'Ed Master, Sticks it to the Bros, You Oughta Blow, Nice T!ts, Wooden Eye F*ckerinthass, Jolly Green Vagina, Crucifux, Shorn Scrotum, SATRAC, Nipplus Erectus, Bleeps, Sweeps and Creeeps (Seacoast H3), Scooby Do Me (CCH3), I Eat Cum (HVH3), Jimmy Crackwhore (HVH3), Foreskin (a bunch of hashes)

The pack gathered for a pre-mile pint at the Powderhouse Pub in Somerville. The smart ones kept their stomachs empty but the true hashers lined their stomachs with alcohol early. Wang Chunks was the first one there, turning tricks for hash cash and using it buy cases of premium beer like Milwaukee's Best and PBR. Both Jolly Green Vagina and I Eat Cum had worn skid-marked tighty-whities outside their windpants in order to combat crotch cold and to "look distinguished" on the track. Later, Crucifux professed her attraction to Nice T!ts and the two proceeded to make out. Discussions of mutual fingerblasting were then broken up by cries of "on out", as someone is very, very stupid.

(Note: These events may not have actually happened, as the scribe missed the pre-lube due to complications during a sex change operation.)

Arriving at the track, the silhouettes of overachievers could be seen doing wind sprints from the starting line of the event. Most would later vomit and all would later drink for such blatantly racist behavior. The rules of the beer mile were explained for the benefit of the virgins at the event (beer, 1/4 mile, repeat 3 more times, booting = run extra lap), the beer mile began and chugging ensued. Well, more accurately, some chugging and A LOT of sipping ensued. Goat Throat proved, once again, that his gag reflex doesn't exist. I Eat Cum, Sticks it to the Bros and 'Ed Master followed close behind. Everyone else was drinking with pinky daintily extended, like a teetotaler. Eventually more empty aluminum cans fell to the track.

After the beer had settled, Goat Throat blew the competition. Away with a time of 7:40. You Oughta Blow led the field of harriettes with a time of 11:56. To see full results head to beermile.com and type "cumbridge" into the race search engine. There was some magnificent booting/alcohol abuse by I Eat Cum and Jimmy Crackwhore.

Back at the Powderhouse Pub, circle was led by dashingly handsome RA, Krusty the Meat Miser. Being the "hare", Wang Chunks demonstrated a Cumbridge down-down after being told to "get on your knees, bitch!" Next up were the over (the 6) and under (the 9) achievers, the FRB (Goat Throat), FBI (You Oughta Blow) and DAL (Jimmy Crackwhore). There was a special down-down for 6.9th place of the 6.9th running of the Cumbridge hash (Nice T!ts). Next up were the wind sprint violators and other racists (I Eat Cum, Sticks it to the Bros, Jimmy Crackwhore, Goat Throat, You Oughta Blow for a track shirt). Then the visitors (I Eat Cum, Jimmy Crackwhore, Foreskin, Bleeps), who sang us a song about a mouse or the ballgame or maybe something about 2 tickets to paradise. The sweatless among us drank for their mooching of beer from the running, thirsty masses (Krusty, SATRAC, Nipples, Bleeps, Foreskin, Wang). The special "Smaht Kids" down-down was next, for anyone associated with MIT, Harvard or Tufts or anyone who had sex with someone from those universities (almost everyone). Intelligence is NOT an STD, by the way. Crucifux then complained via squeaking noises that Sticks it to the Bros was molesting her with his finger so he proceeded to do a Catholic priest down-down WITH HEADGEAR IN CIRCLE. Another one for Bros. Scooby Do Me's shoes were clearly 9.69% new. He couldn't decide which one to take off, so removed both and drank from both.

There were several other accusations that I failed to remember but circle was closed with a rendition of "Today is Monday." The hash was then led in a rousing version of "I Used to Work in Chicago" by Foreskin. The hash then headed (who said...?) to Redbones for a drink or two to settle their stomachs.

On-beermile-on,
Krusty the Meat Miser
Cumbridge RA Emeritus
"Cum Loud"

CH3 Run #6.9: The Winter BEER Mile!

Due to the unseasonably warm weather and the seasonably cheap cost of PBR, the Cumbridge Hash House Harriers present their Winter Beer Mile on the SECOND FRIDAY of February.

A beer mile involves 4 quarter miles and 4 beers. Drink a beer, run a lap. Do it 4 times and you've completed a beer mile. Congratulations! Any vomiting results in running a penalty lap but not a penalty beer. Click here for complete rules.

Come out to see who boots! Who doesn't! See if Goat Throat, the man without a gag reflex, will be there defending his title! See if Wang Chunks runs in jeans again! See who's flirting with the male bartender after the beer mile (God, please let it be SPF)!

Hope to see you there. Details below...

When: Friday, Feb 8th @ 6pm HST, heading to the Tufts track at 645pm. Due to time constraints, no late entries once the beer mile starts.

Where: Meeting @ Powderhouse Pub, 682 Broadway, Somerville, MA.

Hash Cash: $5 for runners and spectators, beer for all (yay!) but food not included.

Who: Dumb, dumb half-minds. That means you! And me!

On-BEERMILEBEERMILEBEERMILEBEERMILEBEERMILE-On,
Krusty the Meat Miser

The Rock Star Trust-Me Hash Recap

Thanks to all the Rock Stars who came out to the hash on Friday. Stay tuned for more Cumbridge events, as run #6.9 is just around the corner. In the meantime, check out this trash of last Friday's shenanigans as written by on-the-fly scribe, Wang Chunks...

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What: The 6th Running of the Cumbridge H3 - The ROCK STAR Trust Me Hash

When: Friday, January 18th, 2008

Hares: Krusty the Meat Miser and Nice Tits

Pack: SATRAC, Wang Chunks, Goat Throat, Bend Over Mommy, Shorn Scrotum, Deep Black Hole, Snatchsquatch (on-after), C*m Titty (SH3), Nappy Headed Sew Ho (SH3), Peppermint Pussy, Tanya Hard-On, G-String, Patriot Missiles, Taj My Hole, Goes Down on Buoys (on-after), Catheter the Great, High Anus, Beat By A Girl, Schindler's Fist, Dude, Where's My Virginity, I Eat C*m (HVH3), Jimmy Crackwhore (HVH3), Cums Alone, 'Ed Master, Virgin Carrick, Virgin Prefontaine, Rugby Virgin #3, Virgin Josh

The pack began to trickle into the pre-lube at People's Republik around six o'clock. The typical Cumbridge pack has been about fifteen wankers, but since the hares quintupled hash cash for this trail, a much larger pack understandably showed up--they came from many exotic locales, including Somerville and Jamaica Plain and Brighton! Where they all came at the end of the night, however, is not intended to be shared in such a public forum! We were also graced with the presence of our neighbors to the north (the Seacoast hash) and to the west (Happy Valley). Breaking with local hash tradition--and owing to the super-secret ROCK STAR nature of this trust me hash--the hares more-or-less left on time. Wang Chunks instructed the pack--including four extremely enthusiastic male virgins who were recently voted off a Village People reality show--with a crappy chalk talk and an even crappier rendition of Father Birmingham before sending the half-minds off to follow trail through the streets of Cumbridge and (yikes!) the other side of the river!!

Trail twisted and turned through Cambridgeport before crossing into Allston and continuing by a large concentration of @ssholes in and around the Harvard Business School. Following trail both on and off-road--and sometimes not following trail at all--the pack marched through a field and was greeted to a warm beer check... fortunately for everyone, it was a warm "beer check", and not a "warm beer" check. The pack assembled inside the Bus Stop Pub where the hares kept the pitchers of sh!tty beer flowing and the locals confused by our customary shenanigans.

On out from the warm "beer check" the pack middled about Allston until stumbling upon the shot check in the middle of a few streets. C*m Titty took a few minutes to hit on the local middle school boys who were trying to score some free booze from us--it didn't work... they didn't have hash cash--and NO ONE RIDES FOR FREE! Along the way on trail, we ran across some refreshing marks: song checks (which I'm sure were fun--despite my forgetting what was sung), tit checks (Bend Over Mommy and Schindler's Fist took the easy way out--consequently, the boys had to scout trail), and the oh-so considerate BVFC (be very f*cking careful) for crossing busy streets and icy patches.

Trail eventually crossed back into the hallowed grounds of Cumbridge where we on-in'd at Krusty's place. The pack circled up and was treated to a melange of RA-ness in which various portions were "led" by Krusty, Wang, and CT. The virgins, it turns out, were ruggers... which means they knew more hash songs than the typical Cumbridge hasher. Moreover, one of the virgins was cross-dressed for the entirety of trail, complete with denim mini-skirt and fake boobs in a bra (Editor's note: The Cumbridge H3 does not discriminate against fake boobs.) Another virgin sported a timeless classic of a handlebar 'stache, and reminded many a hasher of Prefontaine. (Who the hell is old enough to remember Prefontaine? The dude died in 1975. He was, however, a r*nner and a drinker.) A certain highlight (or lowlight?) of circle occured when Virgin Prefontaine and Nice Tits demonstrated the Rusty Trombone. With a little luck, we'll have an encore performance at a future CH3 trail! Incidentally, there was also talk of Supermanning that Ho at the beer check, but no formal demonstration was made in circle.

The hares prepared a nice, home-cooked meal of baked pasta and some bangers. Quite literally, dinner was a bit of a sausagefest. After dinner, Krusty's bedroom was transformed into the impromptu naked room, where harriers and harriettes hurriedly dressed down then back up transforming themselves into 1980s rock stars for the no-longer-super-secret-on-after... the nanny cam (disguised as a PBR can) in Krusty's bedroom has already proven its worth!

Though the hash was drawing to a close, the night was just beginning. The pack weaved its way up to the Middle East, then headed downstairs to indulge in a little Appetite for Destruction--The Ultimate Tribute to Guns N' Roses! The few extra hash cash dollars were quickly disposed of with PBR tallboys as the band kicked its set off with Welcome to the Jungle. Not quite Slash is clearly a hasher through and through. We were all rocked very hard. The hash got a piece.

The Rock Star Trust-Me Hash, Jan 18th

Welcome to C*mbridge, we've got fun and games! Actually, we have hashes, beer miles and, now, a rock star trust me hash. Have you ever wanted to be a rocker, with the tabloids asking "Who is he straddlin' at the after party?" Or maybe you want to be the groupie being straddled. Either way, bring your rock star self out for the trust me hash.

What is a trust me hash? Well, it means you show up at the People's Republik @ 600p ready to hash with a change of clothes and 6 hours to spare. Promises are a C*mbridge trail, beer, shots, beer, an on-in with food, beer, a tag w/out your name on it, beer and A SECRET ROCK STAR ON-AFTER! You will be within range of public transportation by midnight so no one will turn into a drunk, naked pumpkin.

When: Fri, Jan 18th, 600pm HST

Where: People's Republik (880 Mass Ave, btwn Harvard and Central)

Hash Cash: $25 for trail, tag, drinks, food and SECRET ROCK STAR ON-AFTER! (Bring your most rock star outfit. Really. I'm wearing leather pants to the on-after!)

If you're in you MUST EMAIL ME BY MON, JAN 14th. I need precise numbers for the on-after so the sooner you email me, the better. Come on out, you won't be disappointed!

On-TakeMeDownDowntoCumbridgeCity-on,

Krusty the Meat Miser
darkmoves@gmail.com